Exposed

(A journal entry from January 2010)

It had been an emotional couple of weeks. God had stirred my heart to intercede for Haiti and the families here who have lost their loved ones. My heart was invested waking at all ours of the night to plead for the lives of those trapped in the rubble. My heart felt connected to the Spirit's grieving; the tears flowed freely, the questions passionately arose and my faith waned and strengthened as I found solace in the God who knows what it is to suffer and is Sovereign in all things. I was on a spiritual high when I went in to worship on Sunday, still conflicted in my spirit, but ready to worship God.
I was encouraged as the songs that were sung were relevant to the events of the past weeks. My heart bowed to honor the Almighty Creator who cannot be understood, but can be trusted. My worship paused at one song of repentance. It was about the third song in and it felt out of place to me. I found I was slightly irritated because it sang of asking forgiveness for the deep sin of not walking with God for the last week and failing to live in Him and for Him. I said in my heart, “Well, I have been in prayer constantly! If any time I have walked with God obediently, it's been in these last few weeks!” I did not sing those words but did my own semi repentance at the level I felt to be more appropriate. Really, I had no sense of my sin to repent of.
My pastor preached on an appropriate topic for the times speaking on trust in who Jesus is when your life doesn't seem to make sense. At one point he said “So what do you do when you feel like you are in Haiti?” To which I quickly responded just loud enough for the rest of the regular sitters in the balcony to hear, “NO one in America knows ANYTHING about the kind of suffering the people in Haiti know!” As soon as the bitter statement blurted out, I felt the pang of my sin. I felt like Peter when he heard the cock crow. What an insensitive, self-righteous statement! Who knows what real pain the people around me have experienced in their life that I just belittled with my words? Sheesh! And I want to be a Spiritual Director? Then my thoughts went to, “Now they all think I''m a self-righteous, bitter woman with no self control! Can I say or do anything to let them know that I am aware of how insensitive that was and that I am really a very godly, sensitive women?”
Then the gentle, strong voice of my Father turned my face toward His. “Jenny, (He always calls me Jenny :))why do you feel the need to convince them of your innocence? Any recovery effort that would come from you right now would only be serving your reputation and compound the sin that was just revealed. It is none of your concern if they see your sin. You are a sinner. This should come as no surprise to you or them. Now, go back to that place of repentance and received my Son's Righteousness. You know yours is not sufficient. Lay it down.”
The sin of self righteousness creeps in so subtly. But oh how sweet the grace of God! Oh how warming His robe of righteousness that He tenderly wraps around me, softening my heart and melting it into His.