“ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.”
I Peter 3:3-4
Got a new haircut yesterday and with it much attention. So many compliments it makes me dizzy! My inner bohemian that has been slowly oozing out over the last few years has officially broken out of hiding and I feel creative, very sexy and beautiful. And I LIKE the attention!
I sat with God with this this morning, fearing my pride and vanity. I asked Him, “Lord, do I need to be humbled? Maybe should I go bathing suit shopping?” He gave me the above verse this morning as one of His responses. Funny thing . . . it wasn't in a “Knock it off!” tone at all! I heard it in an entirely new light. (Actually, this whole passage written around wives submitting to their husbands is quite exciting in this new light. It is a passage heavy with religious baggage that I really believe robs women of the intended freedom it offers. But that is a whole can of beans for another time!) He was pointing me back to where my beauty comes from, not telling me my outward adornment or feeling beautiful on the outside was wrong. In fact, you need not look too hard to find that God is really quite into unabashed and powerful beauty; oceans and thunderstorms being two such examples. He was encouraging me and reminding me of the deeper inspirations for this haircut.
For me the haircut is an expression of the inner freedom and beauty that I have in Christ. It is what gave me the boldness to chop my hair off in the first place! Really. A cut like this would have scared me even a month ago. It feels powerful, in a way, and seems to me to make a bold statement. Other women I have known can pull it off, but I never felt I could. Could it be a rebellious act to chop your hair; a way to prove power and independence? Well sure it could. It depends on the heart motive. That is not my story. I have so often been paralyzed with fear over what others would think of me in so many areas of my life that it has often caused me to be timid in places God was clearly leading. But Jesus is working in deep places in my inner self that resemble the story of Rapunzel in the Disney movie "Tangled".
Rapunzel left a safe tower built by fear and control. She had a severe codependency on that which really stole from her though it looked and felt like love and security. When she jumped from the tower out into the unknown wild, she discovered her real identity, the love of her real family, and the freedom to live and be a strong leader in her Father's Kingdom. In the movie her haircut represented her inner life, freedom, love, and the sacrifice that freed her from her slavery. (Hmmm . . . kinda gospelish?)
And so you see the verse He gave me today was Him expressing His delight in my beauty, both inner and outer. I want to scream my delight in Him out to the world and say, in unabashed confidence, “I am beautiful because Christ delights in ME!!!” It is a funny thing that happens to my pride when I soak in His delight for a period of time. This performance driven, people-praise seeking girl begins to care less what others say or don't say because the glory of that people-praise pales so to the glory of the beautiful Him who adores me more than anyone can. I can have a quiet, confident, God-reverent spirit resting in the truth that He is at work making me like himself. And He is quite unsettling, so if everyone likes me, maybe there is something wrong! I become a woman who's pride is in His delight and glory and who rests in his ability to mold me into a dangerous beauty. I might even be a bit vain about it!
This is not a new growth spurt for me. I've been here before and have really only begun to quit reacting to this repeated growth with the thought, “Again, Lord? Geesh, I should have learned this by now!” No. His growth process may feel like a never ending circle, but is is actually a spiral going ever deeper with each rotation. It seems He keeps leading me to discover new pieces of me stuck in towers. And Jesus beckons to those pieces of me in hiding and dares them to leave the tower with Him. The invitation comes again and again.
Such is the life lived in relationship with Christ. Ever deeper living into all He has done for us. And this is not about hard work and striving, trying harder to change outer behavior and appearance. It is way more about resting and trusting and following the Prince into the great outdoors of his freedom, grace and love. It is real inner change that lasts. (A gentle, quite spirit that rests in Christ's strength can look pretty dangerous from the outside!)
Tonight I will likely find myself reviewing my compliments on facebook and admiring my pictures, but I know my heart can rest knowing He is doing the inner work in me that counts and I'd be beautiful to Him even if I were bald! That is truly humbling. My vanity doesn't stand a chance!
So are there inner towers in your heart with pieces of you hiding out there? Can you hear the invitation of the Prince today? The invitation is ringing from deep inside where the Spirit dwells. “Come out of the tower. Come live your life as a dangerous beauty with Me!”
Go on, I dare ya to jump!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Love, Right and Wrong
As I am reading again through the new testament, it is more striking than ever how love is always stressed over right or wrong. Right and wrong is important but stays in the realm of behavior. Right and wrong actions can be done without real love and relationship. Love, on the other hand, goes beyond behavior to relationship. It is what drives us to choose right because we care and desire relationship. Love is what gives life to obedience and sacrifice which would both be dead without love. When you love someone, isn't it more natural to do what is right for them? When you feel loved and seen and valued by someone, don't you long to be with them and treat them well?
I have tended to separate love and justice. Sometimes they don't seem compatible. I have struggled as a parent with righting wrongs and the need to fix behavior, teach self control and require obedience because those things can sometimes seem at odds with grace and love. I often hear other Christians make a distinction. Should I offer love and grace or justice and truth? The assumption is that love and grace negate justice and truth. I think this is false. Love and grace motivate justice and truth and go deeper underneath them to change the heart. Love and grace motivate and change us. So what should be stressed and nurtured and focussed on? What comes first, love or justice? As a parent, when I am careful to spend time with my kids, see them, listen to them, make an effort to see what is going on in their heart beneath the behavior, point out the good and value and nurture their God given passions and gifts (which may be very different than mine) and communicate the love of the Father to them, they tend to want to obey more. When I say "yes" as much as possible and give as much freedom to them as is appropriate, they tend to trust and come back to me for guidance. Isn't it true with us as well? In my experience as a parent, love comes first. This is what I aslo see in the Scriptures and it is more and more how I am experiencing the Father.
So did Jesus act in obedience and submit to sacrifice primarily to right wrongs, or out of passionate love and desire for relationship? What Father do you worship; one more concerned with making wrong right or One who knows and loves His children well and is longing to gather them into His arms and see them glow in His presence deeply trusting His love for them? What difference does that make for you in how you live and relate to the Father, each other and yourself?
I have tended to separate love and justice. Sometimes they don't seem compatible. I have struggled as a parent with righting wrongs and the need to fix behavior, teach self control and require obedience because those things can sometimes seem at odds with grace and love. I often hear other Christians make a distinction. Should I offer love and grace or justice and truth? The assumption is that love and grace negate justice and truth. I think this is false. Love and grace motivate justice and truth and go deeper underneath them to change the heart. Love and grace motivate and change us. So what should be stressed and nurtured and focussed on? What comes first, love or justice? As a parent, when I am careful to spend time with my kids, see them, listen to them, make an effort to see what is going on in their heart beneath the behavior, point out the good and value and nurture their God given passions and gifts (which may be very different than mine) and communicate the love of the Father to them, they tend to want to obey more. When I say "yes" as much as possible and give as much freedom to them as is appropriate, they tend to trust and come back to me for guidance. Isn't it true with us as well? In my experience as a parent, love comes first. This is what I aslo see in the Scriptures and it is more and more how I am experiencing the Father.
So did Jesus act in obedience and submit to sacrifice primarily to right wrongs, or out of passionate love and desire for relationship? What Father do you worship; one more concerned with making wrong right or One who knows and loves His children well and is longing to gather them into His arms and see them glow in His presence deeply trusting His love for them? What difference does that make for you in how you live and relate to the Father, each other and yourself?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
On Being Human
"A spiritual person tries less to be godly than to be deeply human."
~ Rev. William Sloane Coffin, Jr.
I stole this quote from a friend's status on facebook and reposted it. Another friend of mine asked for my commentary on it which made me reflect a bit more deeply. So without reading the original context of this quote, this is what I heard in it. :)
As Christians it seems that the word “human” has a negative connotation. When we talk about our humanity it is often linked with our weakness. “Oh well, I'm only human!” But what does being human really mean? Could being "deeply human" mean living in the fullness of who God has created us to be? Indeed, God created us to be human from the beginning.
I went through a devotional book this last advent season called “God With Us”. It focuses on the incarnation in ways I had never considered. One thought that was most striking to me was that Jesus did not primarily stoop down into our humanness to bring the holiness of heaven down to us, but to raise our humanness back up to the heavenly where it was created to be. He came to restore dignity and holiness to our humanity! Jesus never cast off the human flesh, but brought it with Him back into heaven. He, as we speak, is still human! And we, in our very human flesh, are also raised with Him and seated with Him in the heavenlies, united with Him in humanness. We are his Body. And though these mortal bodies that carry our humanity are wasting away and will die, they will be fully restored to match the body Jesus now resides in. He did not detest the flesh, but sought to restore it and return it to the dignity it had from the beginning. He brought back the dignity of all that it is to be human, so that we can live more fully into our humanity. He lived, worked, played and loved as a fully free human engaging all of this human life loved by the Father; and He invites us to do the same.
The truth is, we cannot bear the image of God and therefore “be godly” apart from being human. To ere is to be human, yes, but it is also human to learn from our errors and grow. To have compassion, to live and work together in community is to be human. The desire to create and recreate, to enjoy beauty and celebrate is to be human. To come together, to reach out, to adventure, explore, discover, listen, heal; human! To be alive and engage the Trinity in relationship in a way angels envy; this is what it is to be human. This is what it is to reflect and relate to the Creator.
In this way, to live deeply into our redeemed humanness is to be truly godly.
~ Rev. William Sloane Coffin, Jr.
I stole this quote from a friend's status on facebook and reposted it. Another friend of mine asked for my commentary on it which made me reflect a bit more deeply. So without reading the original context of this quote, this is what I heard in it. :)
As Christians it seems that the word “human” has a negative connotation. When we talk about our humanity it is often linked with our weakness. “Oh well, I'm only human!” But what does being human really mean? Could being "deeply human" mean living in the fullness of who God has created us to be? Indeed, God created us to be human from the beginning.
I went through a devotional book this last advent season called “God With Us”. It focuses on the incarnation in ways I had never considered. One thought that was most striking to me was that Jesus did not primarily stoop down into our humanness to bring the holiness of heaven down to us, but to raise our humanness back up to the heavenly where it was created to be. He came to restore dignity and holiness to our humanity! Jesus never cast off the human flesh, but brought it with Him back into heaven. He, as we speak, is still human! And we, in our very human flesh, are also raised with Him and seated with Him in the heavenlies, united with Him in humanness. We are his Body. And though these mortal bodies that carry our humanity are wasting away and will die, they will be fully restored to match the body Jesus now resides in. He did not detest the flesh, but sought to restore it and return it to the dignity it had from the beginning. He brought back the dignity of all that it is to be human, so that we can live more fully into our humanity. He lived, worked, played and loved as a fully free human engaging all of this human life loved by the Father; and He invites us to do the same.
The truth is, we cannot bear the image of God and therefore “be godly” apart from being human. To ere is to be human, yes, but it is also human to learn from our errors and grow. To have compassion, to live and work together in community is to be human. The desire to create and recreate, to enjoy beauty and celebrate is to be human. To come together, to reach out, to adventure, explore, discover, listen, heal; human! To be alive and engage the Trinity in relationship in a way angels envy; this is what it is to be human. This is what it is to reflect and relate to the Creator.
In this way, to live deeply into our redeemed humanness is to be truly godly.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Power of a Dog
There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.
When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumor, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.
When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.
We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?
~ Rudyard Kipling
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.
When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumor, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.
When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.
We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?
~ Rudyard Kipling
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Imagining the Unseen
Last week a couple of sweet girls that live around the corner from us were over to play with Megan. They are 10 and 11 and, along with Megan, are in the process of shedding many of their childlike ways. It was twilight and I was in the den downstairs when our visitors shot out of Meg's room with astonished faces.
“Mrs. Brukiewa!”, exclaimed the oldest in a very concerned tone, “I think your daughter believes in fairies!”
“Really?!” I replied, feigning concern. At that point Meg emerged from her room behind them donning a mischievous grin and a twinkle in her eye.
“YES!” injected the youngest, “I think she really does! She wants to go outside and look for some!”
“Hmmmm. . ..”, I hummed with the same grin Meg had inherited from me.
“Wait...you don't believe in fairies?! Do you?!!!”, inquired the 11 year old in disbelief.
“I'm not telling.”
A couple befuddled moments passed before she gasped with the startle of a new possibility, “WAIT! Are they real?!”
A laugh escaped from me with my answer, “You'll have to decide that for yourself. But it might be fun to go look for one anyway.”
The sisters looked at each other and exclaimed “YEAH! Let's grab a flashlight!”
And off the three imaginations went into the twilight.
Imagination. It is a gift imparted to us from a Creator who imagined the universe in all its detail before it was. Engaging the imagination was so much more natural as children, but then something happened. As we grew into adults we experienced the pain of disappointments and disillusionment and we began to become weary of hoping for what is not tangible. Somewhere along the way, to some degree or another, we became jaded. We no longer looked for fairies. We knew better.
Last week we went through the heartbreaking process of putting our dog and faithful friend of 13 ½ years to sleep. The night before, the Lord gave our family a word from II Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:1-5 to comfort us. One verse in particular has lingered with me.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
II Corinthians 4:18
Something seems very odd about this verse. Exactly how does one “fix” one's “eyes” on what is “unseen”? Turning to the One who inspired such a statement I questioned, “Jesus? Really?! You're not making sense again!” But all I got back from Him was that same mischievous grin that, apparently, Meg and I inherited from Him.
As I thought about it more, it struck me that it must involve the imagination to be able to see what is unseen. And my thoughts turned back to the children and some things Jesus spoke about them in Matthew.
At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”
Matthew 11:25
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:2,3
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Matthew 19:14
Wow. So what do kids have that we wise and “learned” adults lack? Qualities like innocence come to mind. Dependance upon the love and nurture of their parents. Being naked and unabashed. A sense of wonder and amazement. (They don't know it all yet!) A curiosity that urges them to turn things over to see what life may be teaming underneath. A willingness to believe the unbelievable. Hopefulness. An unfettered ability to imagine what is not seen... hmmm.
Unless you become like little children . . .
If what we see is not nearly all there is, and if being able to fix our eyes on the unseen eternal depends upon us looking beyond what we know and trust as tangible, then we need to practice using different eyes. Christ said He came to recover what was lost. Maybe part of what He came to recover was our lost imaginations so we might become as little children again and have our spiritual eyes restored. Maybe.
So how about it? Dare we test it out? Dare we gather up in the butterfly net of our imagination every hint of truth and beauty, every teasing mystery, ever glimmer of love and hold onto it like a child's pudgy fist holds onto a tiny treasure? It may only appear to be a plastic bead from a broken dress up necklace, but it is really a seed from the unseen Kingdom. Plant it in your heart and it will grow until the eyes of your heart are opened wide and fixed on the Eternal. We are the Children of God. The Kingdom is real and it belongs to us now. It is here just waiting for us to seek it out. So come on! Let's grab a flashlight!
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18
“Mrs. Brukiewa!”, exclaimed the oldest in a very concerned tone, “I think your daughter believes in fairies!”
“Really?!” I replied, feigning concern. At that point Meg emerged from her room behind them donning a mischievous grin and a twinkle in her eye.
“YES!” injected the youngest, “I think she really does! She wants to go outside and look for some!”
“Hmmmm. . ..”, I hummed with the same grin Meg had inherited from me.
“Wait...you don't believe in fairies?! Do you?!!!”, inquired the 11 year old in disbelief.
“I'm not telling.”
A couple befuddled moments passed before she gasped with the startle of a new possibility, “WAIT! Are they real?!”
A laugh escaped from me with my answer, “You'll have to decide that for yourself. But it might be fun to go look for one anyway.”
The sisters looked at each other and exclaimed “YEAH! Let's grab a flashlight!”
And off the three imaginations went into the twilight.
Imagination. It is a gift imparted to us from a Creator who imagined the universe in all its detail before it was. Engaging the imagination was so much more natural as children, but then something happened. As we grew into adults we experienced the pain of disappointments and disillusionment and we began to become weary of hoping for what is not tangible. Somewhere along the way, to some degree or another, we became jaded. We no longer looked for fairies. We knew better.
Last week we went through the heartbreaking process of putting our dog and faithful friend of 13 ½ years to sleep. The night before, the Lord gave our family a word from II Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:1-5 to comfort us. One verse in particular has lingered with me.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
II Corinthians 4:18
Something seems very odd about this verse. Exactly how does one “fix” one's “eyes” on what is “unseen”? Turning to the One who inspired such a statement I questioned, “Jesus? Really?! You're not making sense again!” But all I got back from Him was that same mischievous grin that, apparently, Meg and I inherited from Him.
As I thought about it more, it struck me that it must involve the imagination to be able to see what is unseen. And my thoughts turned back to the children and some things Jesus spoke about them in Matthew.
At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”
Matthew 11:25
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:2,3
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Matthew 19:14
Wow. So what do kids have that we wise and “learned” adults lack? Qualities like innocence come to mind. Dependance upon the love and nurture of their parents. Being naked and unabashed. A sense of wonder and amazement. (They don't know it all yet!) A curiosity that urges them to turn things over to see what life may be teaming underneath. A willingness to believe the unbelievable. Hopefulness. An unfettered ability to imagine what is not seen... hmmm.
Unless you become like little children . . .
If what we see is not nearly all there is, and if being able to fix our eyes on the unseen eternal depends upon us looking beyond what we know and trust as tangible, then we need to practice using different eyes. Christ said He came to recover what was lost. Maybe part of what He came to recover was our lost imaginations so we might become as little children again and have our spiritual eyes restored. Maybe.
So how about it? Dare we test it out? Dare we gather up in the butterfly net of our imagination every hint of truth and beauty, every teasing mystery, ever glimmer of love and hold onto it like a child's pudgy fist holds onto a tiny treasure? It may only appear to be a plastic bead from a broken dress up necklace, but it is really a seed from the unseen Kingdom. Plant it in your heart and it will grow until the eyes of your heart are opened wide and fixed on the Eternal. We are the Children of God. The Kingdom is real and it belongs to us now. It is here just waiting for us to seek it out. So come on! Let's grab a flashlight!
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Discerning His Voice
For years, though I was unaware I was doing it, I restricted God. I did not expect to hear him unless the conditions were just right. I had an unconscious list of how He spoke. A Christian song, a Church messages, the Bible, etc. Something has changed over the years and right now I'm in a season on my walk with Jesus that is particularly vibrant. I see Him, hear Him and feel Him...everywhere. Many times throughout the day and night he has been speaking, as if He really is as He said He was, near to me...every moment.
It has been my desire to practice praying continually over the last two years. By prayer I mean being aware of the presence of God throughout my day and night. Instead of being just inside my own head or caught up in the busyness around me, I include Him in my thoughts, but also open myself to what He may want to say to me or how He might have me pray and for whom. When I speak to Him, I allow space, silence; I wait for a response from Him. I also have set times where I say nothing and just sit in His presence. That time is often simply intimate silence. What a joy to be so comfortable with each other that we can be in naked silence, face to face, just being as we are together in a loving embrace. In this way I can savor His beauty, His holiness and the acceptance and belonging that my heart so desperately craves. This I carry with me throughout my day.
Now I am not all of a sudden able to do this praying continually thing perfectly, every day every minute, but as I have followed his bidding and made it an intention that I return to, I have experienced a much deeper intimacy with Him and have had some wonderful conversations.
It has been a journey of growing in discernment. I am learning to discern which thoughts and feelings are coming from my own broken, stinted places, or from ingrained beliefs or my old nature, and what truly is a fresh word of the Spirit to my heart. I have come to accept that it is a skill, a practice, which is something I have railed a bit against because it sounds like “works” to my grace oriented heart. But, really, it is an invitation to grow in relationship with Emanuel, God with us, not a work or a requirement, but a joy and the deepest longing of my heart. If my Life and Breath is speaking to me, I WANT to learn to hear Him clearly, and He invites me to enter that process, daily.
There are real obstacles to hearing His voice well that I have been made aware of. First I recognized the obstacle of lack of faith. God can be talking a blue streak, but if I don't really believe in my heart that He is speaking or will answer me, then I will not be listening for Him. Similarly, I have been made aware of my selective hearing. We all do it, or have kids who do it to us. We only listen for certain words. There have been things I have expected to hear from God that deafen me to his actual word to me. Again, it's a process of discernment and purposefully opening up to Him to remove such hindrances. It has been painful at times for sure, but how that pain pales in the sweetness of deepened fellowship with My Lord!
On that note, (the pain note) fear can also be a hindrance. I have feared He will be harsh with me; feared I will get the earful I deserve. But, the wonderful truth of being a beloved, redeemed, child of the Father, made righteous by Christ is that He motivates us with love and grace. When I have found myself cowering, waiting for Him to respond harshly to me like I deserve, He instead whispers love, grace and acceptance. He tells me how beautiful I am to Him. He is so much gentler with my heart than I am, and I soften in his embrace, time and time again. But if I expect to hear the shout of condemnation, I may miss hearing His whispers of grace. The sin He reveals in me He points out with tenderness even though it may sting. He rubs the place with a healing salve and stimulates healing with the warmth of his touch.
Discerning His voice also requires getting to know God and myself well enough to begin to tell the difference between my voice and His. I became aware of an ingrained belief of mine that says that to focus on myself at all, my desires, my hurts, my worries, my[gulp]beauty and worth, is not godly. It is selfishness. Having “time with God” to get to know Him is accepted as important. But the comments and teachings I have heard about the dangers of “navel study” taught me to “look outside of myself” and “serve others” to get my mind off of me. I don't think this is what Paul meant by “Less of me, more of You”. This belief has been so harmful because it has often caused me to be ashamed of myself and to hide parts of myself from Jesus and others. This results in separation and breeds the real isolation and selfish protectiveness we feared “navel study” would result in. This is an epidemic in the Church. We must be naked and honest before our God that He might hold us and heal every part of us. He longs for our heart, all of our heart. He wants us to know who we are in Him that we may be free to love others and be honest and naked before them. This is the fellowship of the saints. (1John 1:7) Only in our nakedness does the light of Jesus shine forth from us. Because we are new creations and made to reflect him, nakedness is a good thing! God had to heal me of the guilt I felt to even take the time for myself to nurture my soul. If Jesus needed to know who He was,(and He was so confident in who He was) then I need to know this too! If Jesus took time to nurture His soul and be reminded by the Father who He was, then certainly it is a legitimate need of mine! If God thinks I'm worth knowing, then I am.
This morning I was talking with God in the bathroom, lamenting because I long to share some of the ways He has spoken to me with others and yet there is rarely an opportunity where it feels natural to talk about what God spoke in this last week. And sometimes when I do it has felt like I am just bragging or drawing attention to myself. “Look how great my relationship with God is! See how holy I am!” His response was, “Jenny, (he calls me Jenny) it's about Me, not about you. I want them to know about how I have been with you. Tell them about Me in your life.”
So I have decided to blog about some of the ways He speaks. (Not everything, of course, there is far too much and some things are too intimate and are meant to only be between lovers.) This way I am laying out a kind of buffet that one might peruse and pick what is nourishing to their soul rather than flinging food at whomever I happen to be with! So my prayer is that you will find something here that feeds you and stirs your appetite for Him.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
It has been my desire to practice praying continually over the last two years. By prayer I mean being aware of the presence of God throughout my day and night. Instead of being just inside my own head or caught up in the busyness around me, I include Him in my thoughts, but also open myself to what He may want to say to me or how He might have me pray and for whom. When I speak to Him, I allow space, silence; I wait for a response from Him. I also have set times where I say nothing and just sit in His presence. That time is often simply intimate silence. What a joy to be so comfortable with each other that we can be in naked silence, face to face, just being as we are together in a loving embrace. In this way I can savor His beauty, His holiness and the acceptance and belonging that my heart so desperately craves. This I carry with me throughout my day.
Now I am not all of a sudden able to do this praying continually thing perfectly, every day every minute, but as I have followed his bidding and made it an intention that I return to, I have experienced a much deeper intimacy with Him and have had some wonderful conversations.
It has been a journey of growing in discernment. I am learning to discern which thoughts and feelings are coming from my own broken, stinted places, or from ingrained beliefs or my old nature, and what truly is a fresh word of the Spirit to my heart. I have come to accept that it is a skill, a practice, which is something I have railed a bit against because it sounds like “works” to my grace oriented heart. But, really, it is an invitation to grow in relationship with Emanuel, God with us, not a work or a requirement, but a joy and the deepest longing of my heart. If my Life and Breath is speaking to me, I WANT to learn to hear Him clearly, and He invites me to enter that process, daily.
There are real obstacles to hearing His voice well that I have been made aware of. First I recognized the obstacle of lack of faith. God can be talking a blue streak, but if I don't really believe in my heart that He is speaking or will answer me, then I will not be listening for Him. Similarly, I have been made aware of my selective hearing. We all do it, or have kids who do it to us. We only listen for certain words. There have been things I have expected to hear from God that deafen me to his actual word to me. Again, it's a process of discernment and purposefully opening up to Him to remove such hindrances. It has been painful at times for sure, but how that pain pales in the sweetness of deepened fellowship with My Lord!
On that note, (the pain note) fear can also be a hindrance. I have feared He will be harsh with me; feared I will get the earful I deserve. But, the wonderful truth of being a beloved, redeemed, child of the Father, made righteous by Christ is that He motivates us with love and grace. When I have found myself cowering, waiting for Him to respond harshly to me like I deserve, He instead whispers love, grace and acceptance. He tells me how beautiful I am to Him. He is so much gentler with my heart than I am, and I soften in his embrace, time and time again. But if I expect to hear the shout of condemnation, I may miss hearing His whispers of grace. The sin He reveals in me He points out with tenderness even though it may sting. He rubs the place with a healing salve and stimulates healing with the warmth of his touch.
Discerning His voice also requires getting to know God and myself well enough to begin to tell the difference between my voice and His. I became aware of an ingrained belief of mine that says that to focus on myself at all, my desires, my hurts, my worries, my[gulp]beauty and worth, is not godly. It is selfishness. Having “time with God” to get to know Him is accepted as important. But the comments and teachings I have heard about the dangers of “navel study” taught me to “look outside of myself” and “serve others” to get my mind off of me. I don't think this is what Paul meant by “Less of me, more of You”. This belief has been so harmful because it has often caused me to be ashamed of myself and to hide parts of myself from Jesus and others. This results in separation and breeds the real isolation and selfish protectiveness we feared “navel study” would result in. This is an epidemic in the Church. We must be naked and honest before our God that He might hold us and heal every part of us. He longs for our heart, all of our heart. He wants us to know who we are in Him that we may be free to love others and be honest and naked before them. This is the fellowship of the saints. (1John 1:7) Only in our nakedness does the light of Jesus shine forth from us. Because we are new creations and made to reflect him, nakedness is a good thing! God had to heal me of the guilt I felt to even take the time for myself to nurture my soul. If Jesus needed to know who He was,(and He was so confident in who He was) then I need to know this too! If Jesus took time to nurture His soul and be reminded by the Father who He was, then certainly it is a legitimate need of mine! If God thinks I'm worth knowing, then I am.
This morning I was talking with God in the bathroom, lamenting because I long to share some of the ways He has spoken to me with others and yet there is rarely an opportunity where it feels natural to talk about what God spoke in this last week. And sometimes when I do it has felt like I am just bragging or drawing attention to myself. “Look how great my relationship with God is! See how holy I am!” His response was, “Jenny, (he calls me Jenny) it's about Me, not about you. I want them to know about how I have been with you. Tell them about Me in your life.”
So I have decided to blog about some of the ways He speaks. (Not everything, of course, there is far too much and some things are too intimate and are meant to only be between lovers.) This way I am laying out a kind of buffet that one might peruse and pick what is nourishing to their soul rather than flinging food at whomever I happen to be with! So my prayer is that you will find something here that feeds you and stirs your appetite for Him.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why Jennifer Knapp Makes Me Weep
Jennifer Knapp. Her heart in song and poetry has touched deep places within and ushered me into intimate, naked worship with my Savior many, many times. I have felt a connection with her somehow and understood her language. She has always been on my heart. I have prayed for her often and love her wishing I could hear more of her heart and be a friend. For some reason long before anyone knew about it, maybe even before Jen herself knew, God revealed to me that she struggled with her sexual identity. Though the Christian community was rocked and disillusioned when she came out a few months ago, God was not at all rattled. He has always known the heart of His beloved Jen.
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. She still walks with God. Her relationship with Him is living and breathing, and she knows her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. She still walks with God. Her relationship with Him is living and breathing, and she knows her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Exposed
(A journal entry from January 2010)
It had been an emotional couple of weeks. God had stirred my heart to intercede for Haiti and the families here who have lost their loved ones. My heart was invested waking at all ours of the night to plead for the lives of those trapped in the rubble. My heart felt connected to the Spirit's grieving; the tears flowed freely, the questions passionately arose and my faith waned and strengthened as I found solace in the God who knows what it is to suffer and is Sovereign in all things. I was on a spiritual high when I went in to worship on Sunday, still conflicted in my spirit, but ready to worship God.
I was encouraged as the songs that were sung were relevant to the events of the past weeks. My heart bowed to honor the Almighty Creator who cannot be understood, but can be trusted. My worship paused at one song of repentance. It was about the third song in and it felt out of place to me. I found I was slightly irritated because it sang of asking forgiveness for the deep sin of not walking with God for the last week and failing to live in Him and for Him. I said in my heart, “Well, I have been in prayer constantly! If any time I have walked with God obediently, it's been in these last few weeks!” I did not sing those words but did my own semi repentance at the level I felt to be more appropriate. Really, I had no sense of my sin to repent of.
My pastor preached on an appropriate topic for the times speaking on trust in who Jesus is when your life doesn't seem to make sense. At one point he said “So what do you do when you feel like you are in Haiti?” To which I quickly responded just loud enough for the rest of the regular sitters in the balcony to hear, “NO one in America knows ANYTHING about the kind of suffering the people in Haiti know!” As soon as the bitter statement blurted out, I felt the pang of my sin. I felt like Peter when he heard the cock crow. What an insensitive, self-righteous statement! Who knows what real pain the people around me have experienced in their life that I just belittled with my words? Sheesh! And I want to be a Spiritual Director? Then my thoughts went to, “Now they all think I''m a self-righteous, bitter woman with no self control! Can I say or do anything to let them know that I am aware of how insensitive that was and that I am really a very godly, sensitive women?”
Then the gentle, strong voice of my Father turned my face toward His. “Jenny, (He always calls me Jenny :))why do you feel the need to convince them of your innocence? Any recovery effort that would come from you right now would only be serving your reputation and compound the sin that was just revealed. It is none of your concern if they see your sin. You are a sinner. This should come as no surprise to you or them. Now, go back to that place of repentance and received my Son's Righteousness. You know yours is not sufficient. Lay it down.”
The sin of self righteousness creeps in so subtly. But oh how sweet the grace of God! Oh how warming His robe of righteousness that He tenderly wraps around me, softening my heart and melting it into His.
It had been an emotional couple of weeks. God had stirred my heart to intercede for Haiti and the families here who have lost their loved ones. My heart was invested waking at all ours of the night to plead for the lives of those trapped in the rubble. My heart felt connected to the Spirit's grieving; the tears flowed freely, the questions passionately arose and my faith waned and strengthened as I found solace in the God who knows what it is to suffer and is Sovereign in all things. I was on a spiritual high when I went in to worship on Sunday, still conflicted in my spirit, but ready to worship God.
I was encouraged as the songs that were sung were relevant to the events of the past weeks. My heart bowed to honor the Almighty Creator who cannot be understood, but can be trusted. My worship paused at one song of repentance. It was about the third song in and it felt out of place to me. I found I was slightly irritated because it sang of asking forgiveness for the deep sin of not walking with God for the last week and failing to live in Him and for Him. I said in my heart, “Well, I have been in prayer constantly! If any time I have walked with God obediently, it's been in these last few weeks!” I did not sing those words but did my own semi repentance at the level I felt to be more appropriate. Really, I had no sense of my sin to repent of.
My pastor preached on an appropriate topic for the times speaking on trust in who Jesus is when your life doesn't seem to make sense. At one point he said “So what do you do when you feel like you are in Haiti?” To which I quickly responded just loud enough for the rest of the regular sitters in the balcony to hear, “NO one in America knows ANYTHING about the kind of suffering the people in Haiti know!” As soon as the bitter statement blurted out, I felt the pang of my sin. I felt like Peter when he heard the cock crow. What an insensitive, self-righteous statement! Who knows what real pain the people around me have experienced in their life that I just belittled with my words? Sheesh! And I want to be a Spiritual Director? Then my thoughts went to, “Now they all think I''m a self-righteous, bitter woman with no self control! Can I say or do anything to let them know that I am aware of how insensitive that was and that I am really a very godly, sensitive women?”
Then the gentle, strong voice of my Father turned my face toward His. “Jenny, (He always calls me Jenny :))why do you feel the need to convince them of your innocence? Any recovery effort that would come from you right now would only be serving your reputation and compound the sin that was just revealed. It is none of your concern if they see your sin. You are a sinner. This should come as no surprise to you or them. Now, go back to that place of repentance and received my Son's Righteousness. You know yours is not sufficient. Lay it down.”
The sin of self righteousness creeps in so subtly. But oh how sweet the grace of God! Oh how warming His robe of righteousness that He tenderly wraps around me, softening my heart and melting it into His.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Lessons From Alice
Alice is a 50 year old refugee from Liberia (a country in Africa) who stopped into our house for two days of rest from her journey. She is homeless and is one of the 2% of people in the refugee program who just can't or won't adjust to life in the states.
Lessons from Alice
1. More of a chicken is edible than we Americans think!
2. Egg yokes will make you fat if you don't cook them through.
3. Education is a privilege, not a right.
4. The freedom to cook the things I like in my own kitchen is also a privilege.
5. I take for granted so many of my freedoms and privileges.
6. There are so many compassionate and selfless people in Colorado springs and most people who really want help can get it.
7. There are those few who no one knows how to help and if more of the church was acting like the church, some of these people would find their place.
8. Helping those who need our help is not heroic, it is simply the way it's meant to be.
9. Not everyone will accept help, therefore you can't help everyone.
10. Though God is not a helpless God, He knows the feelings of helplessness and chooses to subject Himself to them by giving us the choice to accept or run from His embrace. He knows the heartache of a parent whose child rejects His love. He yearns.
11. He continues to offer places of grace and rest even when we have no idea that He is doing it and still run away.
12. Sometimes the only way you can help someone is to let them go into the hands of God.
13. The battles we fight for His causes are sometimes limited and short lived, and that's OK.
14. Be so careful not to hold out hopes for someone if you don't know you can fulfill them; even if you really believe you can.
15. Sometimes you just have to trust that God's purposes were fulfilled even if you feel that you might have actually made things worse in some ways.
16. At times we are called to speak hard truths bluntly without cushioning it, even if the truth is heart piercing and they might hate you for it.
17. Anger and compassion can go hand in hand; both can be appropriate at the same time for the same person.
18. Christ's provisions go above and beyond what we can imagine. The limits we put on His grace are man made. We all need so much more Grace than we know.
19. Someone who appears to be as innocent as a dove can also be as shrewd as a snake!
20. We don't have as much control of our lives as we think.
21. Who we are and the way we respond to the world is largely molded by our circumstances. We are products of our families and culture as much as I try to reject that reality.
22. We all have brokenness to work through and many of us are not so blessed with a vision of what “healthy” looks like.
23. I must have compassion on others and myself and give room for the process not expecting others to think and act the way I do. I need to ere on the side of grace rather than personal offense. I hope others will do the same for me and, when they don't, I hope I can still offer them grace.
24. God uses our neediness to draw us deeper into Himself and closer to each other.
25. We are all needy.
26. Christ can suddenly burst into a room through a persons smile that has been made startlingly radiant from suffering.
"Do not hand over the life of your dove to the wild beasts;
do not forget the lives of your afflicted people forever.
Have regard for your covenant,
because haunts of violence fill the dark places of the land.
Do not let the oppressed retreat in disgrace;
may the poor and needy praise your name.
Rise up, O God, and defend your cause..."
Psalm 74:19-22
“Come to ME all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28
Lessons from Alice
1. More of a chicken is edible than we Americans think!
2. Egg yokes will make you fat if you don't cook them through.
3. Education is a privilege, not a right.
4. The freedom to cook the things I like in my own kitchen is also a privilege.
5. I take for granted so many of my freedoms and privileges.
6. There are so many compassionate and selfless people in Colorado springs and most people who really want help can get it.
7. There are those few who no one knows how to help and if more of the church was acting like the church, some of these people would find their place.
8. Helping those who need our help is not heroic, it is simply the way it's meant to be.
9. Not everyone will accept help, therefore you can't help everyone.
10. Though God is not a helpless God, He knows the feelings of helplessness and chooses to subject Himself to them by giving us the choice to accept or run from His embrace. He knows the heartache of a parent whose child rejects His love. He yearns.
11. He continues to offer places of grace and rest even when we have no idea that He is doing it and still run away.
12. Sometimes the only way you can help someone is to let them go into the hands of God.
13. The battles we fight for His causes are sometimes limited and short lived, and that's OK.
14. Be so careful not to hold out hopes for someone if you don't know you can fulfill them; even if you really believe you can.
15. Sometimes you just have to trust that God's purposes were fulfilled even if you feel that you might have actually made things worse in some ways.
16. At times we are called to speak hard truths bluntly without cushioning it, even if the truth is heart piercing and they might hate you for it.
17. Anger and compassion can go hand in hand; both can be appropriate at the same time for the same person.
18. Christ's provisions go above and beyond what we can imagine. The limits we put on His grace are man made. We all need so much more Grace than we know.
19. Someone who appears to be as innocent as a dove can also be as shrewd as a snake!
20. We don't have as much control of our lives as we think.
21. Who we are and the way we respond to the world is largely molded by our circumstances. We are products of our families and culture as much as I try to reject that reality.
22. We all have brokenness to work through and many of us are not so blessed with a vision of what “healthy” looks like.
23. I must have compassion on others and myself and give room for the process not expecting others to think and act the way I do. I need to ere on the side of grace rather than personal offense. I hope others will do the same for me and, when they don't, I hope I can still offer them grace.
24. God uses our neediness to draw us deeper into Himself and closer to each other.
25. We are all needy.
26. Christ can suddenly burst into a room through a persons smile that has been made startlingly radiant from suffering.
"Do not hand over the life of your dove to the wild beasts;
do not forget the lives of your afflicted people forever.
Have regard for your covenant,
because haunts of violence fill the dark places of the land.
Do not let the oppressed retreat in disgrace;
may the poor and needy praise your name.
Rise up, O God, and defend your cause..."
Psalm 74:19-22
“Come to ME all who are weary and heavy-laden,
and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My Emmaus Story
This is another assignment from the Spiritual formation program I am going through. We were assigned to talk about pivotal points on our spiritual journeys or "Emmaus Roads" (taken from the story in the gospel of Luke). Before you read this, I have a couple of disclaimers. First, I am blessed to have my parents. They were not perfect as they themselves would readily admit, but I owe who I am today to them. They gave me my legacy of faith and I thank God they were my parents! Second, My college pastor Alan Fadling and his wife Gem were not responsible for my phariseeism. They taught me how to hear from God and have taught me much about His grace throughout the years. And last, The pastor God used to convey this revelation on my road to Emmaus was Pastor Chuck Holiday. I am forever grateful for his hand of grace in my life. OK, now to the story...
In order to share one of the most defined bends in my road to Emmaus, I need to give you a glimpse of what the road looked like before.
Much of my life was lived in fear that someone would find out who I really was. I had a pretty isolated childhood and was homeschooled most of the time from 4th grade on though I was actually just more “home” than “schooled”. I had been convinced early on that I was stupid after being berated by my second grade teacher in front of my whole class. I was not a self motivated learner and decided then and there that if I didn’t ever really try, then I couldn’t ever really fail. I dug my heels in and my parents didn’t push. My lack of a consistent academic education and healthy outside relationships throughout the years only imbedded deeper into my heart the belief that I was inept. I felt very ill equipped for life and was consumed by feelings of inferiority, except for in one place; on the stage in musical theater. In that one area, I knew I was exceptional and was well trained. If I had the chance to perform for someone, then and only then did I feel comfortable and significant. I had their adoration and my role to hide behind.
When I was 17 I plugged myself into a church. For a while I thought I had the potential to be quite competent in church life. After all, I loved Jesus, was a pretty good girl, had strong convictions, hated sin, loved the bible and learning how to be a good Christian. I even married my husband with the dream of going into ministry with him. But eventually I found myself living in guilt there too. I understood what the Churches measuring sticks were in order to please God and be a good Christian. I began to realize after trying very hard, that I couldn’t measure up there either. My quiet times became more and more infrequent as I wearied of trying to convince God of how sorry I was for my sin, begging forgiveness, and promising to do better.
Now comes the big curve in the road. God lead my husband and me to a new church with a pastor whose teaching brought a surprising revelation.
When we first started going he was preaching on the Ten Commandments, Jesus style, which meant he went way beyond the physical acting out of the “thou shalt nots” and began to quite disturbingly delve into the motives and thoughts of the heart. He preached the law harder than I had ever heard. He read from Galatians 3:10 which says, “All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the book of Law.”
I began to realize that my sin was actually MUCH worse than I thought it was and God’s measuring stick was MUCH bigger than that of the churches. His stick is “Be holy as I AM holy”. He doesn’t lower His expectations so that I can attain them. And the anger and questions began to rise up. He requires perfection in order for me to know perfection?!!!! What kind of a God is this?!!!”
It may seem like this revelation would have been a death blow capable of driving me from my faith forever; and that is, in fact, exactly what it was! It was a death blow …to my pride…and it did drive me away from my faith… in my own self righteousness and self redemption. But, thank God, our pastor didn’t leave me there wallowing in a pool of despair. That was only half of the big revelation.
The other part of the big revelation that changed me forever was this: Romans 8:3-4, “For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”
Epiphany!!! The life, death and resurrection of Christ did not merely bring me back to even ground. He did not wipe out my sin and then say, “OK now make something better of yourself.” No. He actually gave me His righteousness! Every minute of His sinless perfect existence on earth, every temptation deflected, life revived and obedient step taken was for me! He gave it as a gift to me just for believing it! I am now seen as perfectly obedient, spotless and righteous by God because I am found in Christ. In Christ! Wow! Guilt be gone!!! I have full access to the presence of God through faith and not through my own striving and in spite of any sin that remains. Not only that, but I have a new heart that is alive to all He wants and is capable of living like Christ. I don’t have to create that, I’ve already got it! And now I only have the joy, and often the pain, of learning to live from this new heart as the Spirit leads.
So how has this changed the way I live? For one thing, I am much freer from the fear that I will be found out. No matter what comes to light, my identity rests in Him. God sees all of the dark corners that remain in my heart, but I can be confident now that Christ is already waiting for me there in those places. Since I journeyed with Jesus around this bend in my road, I have been blessed with the experience of my heart being striped naked in front of God and my brithers and sisters and being seen, loved and embraced as both sinner and saint. That kind of love transforms. Like the chocolate raisins, the warmth of His grace melts away all my impurities in His time. I am free to delight in His presence within myself and those around me, trusting He is at work. I am finding the profound mystery of 1John 1:7 to be true…
“…if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
And though I still feel the strong pull of my desire to perform for approval, I am much more liberated from the need to impress. My relationship with God has deepened profoundly with the knowledge that I need not perform well to earn His adoration. I have it simply because I am His little princess. And my heart responds back with adoration for my Daddy whose love and provision go way beyond what I can imagine.
“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.”
Romans 8:15, 16
In order to share one of the most defined bends in my road to Emmaus, I need to give you a glimpse of what the road looked like before.
Much of my life was lived in fear that someone would find out who I really was. I had a pretty isolated childhood and was homeschooled most of the time from 4th grade on though I was actually just more “home” than “schooled”. I had been convinced early on that I was stupid after being berated by my second grade teacher in front of my whole class. I was not a self motivated learner and decided then and there that if I didn’t ever really try, then I couldn’t ever really fail. I dug my heels in and my parents didn’t push. My lack of a consistent academic education and healthy outside relationships throughout the years only imbedded deeper into my heart the belief that I was inept. I felt very ill equipped for life and was consumed by feelings of inferiority, except for in one place; on the stage in musical theater. In that one area, I knew I was exceptional and was well trained. If I had the chance to perform for someone, then and only then did I feel comfortable and significant. I had their adoration and my role to hide behind.
When I was 17 I plugged myself into a church. For a while I thought I had the potential to be quite competent in church life. After all, I loved Jesus, was a pretty good girl, had strong convictions, hated sin, loved the bible and learning how to be a good Christian. I even married my husband with the dream of going into ministry with him. But eventually I found myself living in guilt there too. I understood what the Churches measuring sticks were in order to please God and be a good Christian. I began to realize after trying very hard, that I couldn’t measure up there either. My quiet times became more and more infrequent as I wearied of trying to convince God of how sorry I was for my sin, begging forgiveness, and promising to do better.
Now comes the big curve in the road. God lead my husband and me to a new church with a pastor whose teaching brought a surprising revelation.
When we first started going he was preaching on the Ten Commandments, Jesus style, which meant he went way beyond the physical acting out of the “thou shalt nots” and began to quite disturbingly delve into the motives and thoughts of the heart. He preached the law harder than I had ever heard. He read from Galatians 3:10 which says, “All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the book of Law.”
I began to realize that my sin was actually MUCH worse than I thought it was and God’s measuring stick was MUCH bigger than that of the churches. His stick is “Be holy as I AM holy”. He doesn’t lower His expectations so that I can attain them. And the anger and questions began to rise up. He requires perfection in order for me to know perfection?!!!! What kind of a God is this?!!!”
It may seem like this revelation would have been a death blow capable of driving me from my faith forever; and that is, in fact, exactly what it was! It was a death blow …to my pride…and it did drive me away from my faith… in my own self righteousness and self redemption. But, thank God, our pastor didn’t leave me there wallowing in a pool of despair. That was only half of the big revelation.
The other part of the big revelation that changed me forever was this: Romans 8:3-4, “For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”
Epiphany!!! The life, death and resurrection of Christ did not merely bring me back to even ground. He did not wipe out my sin and then say, “OK now make something better of yourself.” No. He actually gave me His righteousness! Every minute of His sinless perfect existence on earth, every temptation deflected, life revived and obedient step taken was for me! He gave it as a gift to me just for believing it! I am now seen as perfectly obedient, spotless and righteous by God because I am found in Christ. In Christ! Wow! Guilt be gone!!! I have full access to the presence of God through faith and not through my own striving and in spite of any sin that remains. Not only that, but I have a new heart that is alive to all He wants and is capable of living like Christ. I don’t have to create that, I’ve already got it! And now I only have the joy, and often the pain, of learning to live from this new heart as the Spirit leads.
So how has this changed the way I live? For one thing, I am much freer from the fear that I will be found out. No matter what comes to light, my identity rests in Him. God sees all of the dark corners that remain in my heart, but I can be confident now that Christ is already waiting for me there in those places. Since I journeyed with Jesus around this bend in my road, I have been blessed with the experience of my heart being striped naked in front of God and my brithers and sisters and being seen, loved and embraced as both sinner and saint. That kind of love transforms. Like the chocolate raisins, the warmth of His grace melts away all my impurities in His time. I am free to delight in His presence within myself and those around me, trusting He is at work. I am finding the profound mystery of 1John 1:7 to be true…
“…if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
And though I still feel the strong pull of my desire to perform for approval, I am much more liberated from the need to impress. My relationship with God has deepened profoundly with the knowledge that I need not perform well to earn His adoration. I have it simply because I am His little princess. And my heart responds back with adoration for my Daddy whose love and provision go way beyond what I can imagine.
“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.”
Romans 8:15, 16
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A love letter from Jesus
My husband encouraged me to post this. It was an assignment I had for my Spiritual Formation Class last week. I had to write a love letter to myself from God. Oh my! How in the world do you do that? I began to pray and meditate on how He has loved me throughout my life. This letter was the result and He met me in some very surprising and personal ways through it. I now see Him standing with me in many more scenes from my past where I had missed His presence before.
My Dearest Jenny,
Ages before you were born I spelled out my love for you. It has been scattered in the heavens, tucked into every detail of creation, written in the Word, and fleshed out with my very life.
I greatly anticipated the day of your birth when your parents, whom I chose for your nurturing, would gaze in wonder at the beauty I designed before I spoke the world into existence.
You felt me whisper my love as I sent a breeze to wisp across your baby soft cheeks, laughter floating along your baby breath in response.
I was there when you played princess in the solitude of your backyard imaginings, unaware that you were indeed royalty and that I was the Prince you dreamed of. I had already come to your rescue defeating the black witch who once held you captive in her stone cold dungeon. As you sang into the wishing well of innocent girlhood hopes, I received the songs as prayers for your life, handling them as sweet treasures.
I ached with you as your body quickly matured and your spirit struggled to keep up. I cherished you when hatred for yourself was consuming. I was with you there, capturing each tear though you felt so alone. I saw then what you could not; rich beauty which concealed in its depths precious gems yet to be discovered.
When you shone like a star on the stage, I was your front row. It was My adoration you sought, My applause you longed so much to hear…and still do.
I lead you by your overwhelming desires to those of Mine who would teach and inspire you. I accompanied you into adulthood overjoyed by your invitation to take your hand. Your heart was drawing nearer; mine rejoiced.
I journaled every season of your story on my heart; every wave of guilt and freedom, every whim of fancy, every dream sacrificed, the wooing and the wedding, disillusions and new hope, forgiving and healing, each conception and birth. I picked you up and held you when your sinfulness stung. I sang of My redemption as I enveloped you in white.
It was I who mended the torn fabric of your marriage and fused you together with forgiveness, grace and passion. Your union is a masterpiece reflecting well Myself and my Church Bride.
I delight to see your understanding of our Father grow richer as I shepherd you through the thick of parenting riddled with its own set of joys, fears, failures, laughter and desperate moments. Remember always; I AM their Shepherd. I will be there for them in their stories as I always have been in yours.
And now as together we approach new thresholds, I encourage you, walk through with boldness! Continue on in our story, Beloved. Journey deeper, closer with me and you will shine ever more radiant as you glory in my love that’s never ending, never failing, ever embracing you with grace until the day I sweep you off this earth and carry you over the final threshold into the eternity of happily ever after.
Forever yours,
Jesus
My Dearest Jenny,
Ages before you were born I spelled out my love for you. It has been scattered in the heavens, tucked into every detail of creation, written in the Word, and fleshed out with my very life.
I greatly anticipated the day of your birth when your parents, whom I chose for your nurturing, would gaze in wonder at the beauty I designed before I spoke the world into existence.
You felt me whisper my love as I sent a breeze to wisp across your baby soft cheeks, laughter floating along your baby breath in response.
I was there when you played princess in the solitude of your backyard imaginings, unaware that you were indeed royalty and that I was the Prince you dreamed of. I had already come to your rescue defeating the black witch who once held you captive in her stone cold dungeon. As you sang into the wishing well of innocent girlhood hopes, I received the songs as prayers for your life, handling them as sweet treasures.
I ached with you as your body quickly matured and your spirit struggled to keep up. I cherished you when hatred for yourself was consuming. I was with you there, capturing each tear though you felt so alone. I saw then what you could not; rich beauty which concealed in its depths precious gems yet to be discovered.
When you shone like a star on the stage, I was your front row. It was My adoration you sought, My applause you longed so much to hear…and still do.
I lead you by your overwhelming desires to those of Mine who would teach and inspire you. I accompanied you into adulthood overjoyed by your invitation to take your hand. Your heart was drawing nearer; mine rejoiced.
I journaled every season of your story on my heart; every wave of guilt and freedom, every whim of fancy, every dream sacrificed, the wooing and the wedding, disillusions and new hope, forgiving and healing, each conception and birth. I picked you up and held you when your sinfulness stung. I sang of My redemption as I enveloped you in white.
It was I who mended the torn fabric of your marriage and fused you together with forgiveness, grace and passion. Your union is a masterpiece reflecting well Myself and my Church Bride.
I delight to see your understanding of our Father grow richer as I shepherd you through the thick of parenting riddled with its own set of joys, fears, failures, laughter and desperate moments. Remember always; I AM their Shepherd. I will be there for them in their stories as I always have been in yours.
And now as together we approach new thresholds, I encourage you, walk through with boldness! Continue on in our story, Beloved. Journey deeper, closer with me and you will shine ever more radiant as you glory in my love that’s never ending, never failing, ever embracing you with grace until the day I sweep you off this earth and carry you over the final threshold into the eternity of happily ever after.
Forever yours,
Jesus
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Desire for Perfection
If we were not created for perfection, why do we desire it? If there is no perfection somewhere beyond this life why do we so want the perfect job, house, family? Why does illness and death feel so unnatural? Why is saying goodbye so hard? Why do we long to be loved deeply and why is it so painful when those we love hurt us? Why do we continue to search for the next big thrill, the ultimate adventure? Why must we always have something to look forward to? Why do we continue to write Cinderella stories and wish for happily ever after? Why does blatant evil infuriate us and make us burn for justice? Why do we seek out heroes, and dare to hope in someone we see as better or stronger than ourselves? Why do we look down on those who do not live up to our own ideals? Why do we have ideals at all? Why, even when things seem as close to perfect as possible, is it still not quite enough?
“He has made everything beautiful its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”
Romans 8:20, 21
“Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”
2Corinthians 5:2-5
“For now we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the imperfect disappears…Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
1Corinthians 13:9, 10, 12
How does the hope of perfection effect the way I live my life?
Dear Perfection, may your promise of a perfect eternity grant me peace, rest and patience as I wade through this imperfect world. Give me grace for myself and those around me, knowing we will someday be whole. May I never live in fear of what we may have to live without or live through. May I have the grace to delight in my earthly blessings as glimpses of what is to come and not be determined to hold onto them for dear life. The greatest things in the world, the most beautiful places and well written fairytales cannot compare with what you have prepared for me in heaven. One day, you will make all things perfect... forever. Amazing.
“He has made everything beautiful its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”
Romans 8:20, 21
“Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”
2Corinthians 5:2-5
“For now we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the imperfect disappears…Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
1Corinthians 13:9, 10, 12
How does the hope of perfection effect the way I live my life?
Dear Perfection, may your promise of a perfect eternity grant me peace, rest and patience as I wade through this imperfect world. Give me grace for myself and those around me, knowing we will someday be whole. May I never live in fear of what we may have to live without or live through. May I have the grace to delight in my earthly blessings as glimpses of what is to come and not be determined to hold onto them for dear life. The greatest things in the world, the most beautiful places and well written fairytales cannot compare with what you have prepared for me in heaven. One day, you will make all things perfect... forever. Amazing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Wind
The wind blows seemingly aimless. It brushes by, whirls around and sifts through using its objects as instruments with which it plays a customized composition. It sings differently though the pines than through the aspen groves; differently again through the rain than through the prairie grasses. It howls as it echoes against impenetrable granite and rushes madly as it is channeled through a narrow canyon. Oh the delicious, sparkling breeze which carries the ocean’s mists! How subtle the whooshing sound as it lifts the soaring eagle up upon its back!
There are times when the wind is ruthless. The shriek of the hurricane has power to tear apart in mighty gusts; a sharp contrast to the melody of a mild spring day suspending on its breath the delicate Painted Lady butterfly! It is often warm and comforting, sometimes frigid and sobering, never predictable, but always singing the appropriate song for the season, though it may sometimes seem to us out of sorts.
So it is with the Spirit. He plays skillfully through each unique soul the composition, perfectly accompanying the story the Master orchestrates in the lives of His instruments.
Oh Mighty Wind of God, train me to listen for the unique composition you sing through not only my own soul but the beautiful souls of those you place near me. May you create a pleasing harmony for Your pleasure as I brush up against the other instruments in your great symphony; though it may at times sound to my ear discordant. May you grant me an attentive heart yearning to savor the song, be it barely breezing or wildly whistling. Gift me with patience for prolonged periods of silence. Keep me penetrable that I may rustle like an Aspen rather than echo like a boulder. Grant me sensitivity to your constant whirring over, around and through the happenings of living. May my ear be ever pricked anticipating Your song as spontaneous and evergreen as the wind through the Pines.
“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
John 3:8
There are times when the wind is ruthless. The shriek of the hurricane has power to tear apart in mighty gusts; a sharp contrast to the melody of a mild spring day suspending on its breath the delicate Painted Lady butterfly! It is often warm and comforting, sometimes frigid and sobering, never predictable, but always singing the appropriate song for the season, though it may sometimes seem to us out of sorts.
So it is with the Spirit. He plays skillfully through each unique soul the composition, perfectly accompanying the story the Master orchestrates in the lives of His instruments.
Oh Mighty Wind of God, train me to listen for the unique composition you sing through not only my own soul but the beautiful souls of those you place near me. May you create a pleasing harmony for Your pleasure as I brush up against the other instruments in your great symphony; though it may at times sound to my ear discordant. May you grant me an attentive heart yearning to savor the song, be it barely breezing or wildly whistling. Gift me with patience for prolonged periods of silence. Keep me penetrable that I may rustle like an Aspen rather than echo like a boulder. Grant me sensitivity to your constant whirring over, around and through the happenings of living. May my ear be ever pricked anticipating Your song as spontaneous and evergreen as the wind through the Pines.
“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”
John 3:8
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