My Emmaus Story

This is another assignment from the Spiritual formation program I am going through. We were assigned to talk about pivotal points on our spiritual journeys or "Emmaus Roads" (taken from the story in the gospel of Luke). Before you read this, I have a couple of disclaimers. First, I am blessed to have my parents. They were not perfect as they themselves would readily admit, but I owe who I am today to them. They gave me my legacy of faith and I thank God they were my parents! Second, My college pastor Alan Fadling and his wife Gem were not responsible for my phariseeism. They taught me how to hear from God and have taught me much about His grace throughout the years. And last, The pastor God used to convey this revelation on my road to Emmaus was Pastor Chuck Holiday. I am forever grateful for his hand of grace in my life. OK, now to the story...

In order to share one of the most defined bends in my road to Emmaus, I need to give you a glimpse of what the road looked like before.

Much of my life was lived in fear that someone would find out who I really was. I had a pretty isolated childhood and was homeschooled most of the time from 4th grade on though I was actually just more “home” than “schooled”. I had been convinced early on that I was stupid after being berated by my second grade teacher in front of my whole class. I was not a self motivated learner and decided then and there that if I didn’t ever really try, then I couldn’t ever really fail. I dug my heels in and my parents didn’t push. My lack of a consistent academic education and healthy outside relationships throughout the years only imbedded deeper into my heart the belief that I was inept. I felt very ill equipped for life and was consumed by feelings of inferiority, except for in one place; on the stage in musical theater. In that one area, I knew I was exceptional and was well trained. If I had the chance to perform for someone, then and only then did I feel comfortable and significant. I had their adoration and my role to hide behind.

When I was 17 I plugged myself into a church. For a while I thought I had the potential to be quite competent in church life. After all, I loved Jesus, was a pretty good girl, had strong convictions, hated sin, loved the bible and learning how to be a good Christian. I even married my husband with the dream of going into ministry with him. But eventually I found myself living in guilt there too. I understood what the Churches measuring sticks were in order to please God and be a good Christian. I began to realize after trying very hard, that I couldn’t measure up there either. My quiet times became more and more infrequent as I wearied of trying to convince God of how sorry I was for my sin, begging forgiveness, and promising to do better.

Now comes the big curve in the road. God lead my husband and me to a new church with a pastor whose teaching brought a surprising revelation.

When we first started going he was preaching on the Ten Commandments, Jesus style, which meant he went way beyond the physical acting out of the “thou shalt nots” and began to quite disturbingly delve into the motives and thoughts of the heart. He preached the law harder than I had ever heard. He read from Galatians 3:10 which says, “All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the book of Law.”

I began to realize that my sin was actually MUCH worse than I thought it was and God’s measuring stick was MUCH bigger than that of the churches. His stick is “Be holy as I AM holy”. He doesn’t lower His expectations so that I can attain them. And the anger and questions began to rise up. He requires perfection in order for me to know perfection?!!!! What kind of a God is this?!!!”

It may seem like this revelation would have been a death blow capable of driving me from my faith forever; and that is, in fact, exactly what it was! It was a death blow …to my pride…and it did drive me away from my faith… in my own self righteousness and self redemption. But, thank God, our pastor didn’t leave me there wallowing in a pool of despair. That was only half of the big revelation.

The other part of the big revelation that changed me forever was this: Romans 8:3-4, “For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.”

Epiphany!!! The life, death and resurrection of Christ did not merely bring me back to even ground. He did not wipe out my sin and then say, “OK now make something better of yourself.” No. He actually gave me His righteousness! Every minute of His sinless perfect existence on earth, every temptation deflected, life revived and obedient step taken was for me! He gave it as a gift to me just for believing it! I am now seen as perfectly obedient, spotless and righteous by God because I am found in Christ. In Christ! Wow! Guilt be gone!!! I have full access to the presence of God through faith and not through my own striving and in spite of any sin that remains. Not only that, but I have a new heart that is alive to all He wants and is capable of living like Christ. I don’t have to create that, I’ve already got it! And now I only have the joy, and often the pain, of learning to live from this new heart as the Spirit leads.

So how has this changed the way I live? For one thing, I am much freer from the fear that I will be found out. No matter what comes to light, my identity rests in Him. God sees all of the dark corners that remain in my heart, but I can be confident now that Christ is already waiting for me there in those places. Since I journeyed with Jesus around this bend in my road, I have been blessed with the experience of my heart being striped naked in front of God and my brithers and sisters and being seen, loved and embraced as both sinner and saint. That kind of love transforms. Like the chocolate raisins, the warmth of His grace melts away all my impurities in His time. I am free to delight in His presence within myself and those around me, trusting He is at work. I am finding the profound mystery of 1John 1:7 to be true…

“…if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

And though I still feel the strong pull of my desire to perform for approval, I am much more liberated from the need to impress. My relationship with God has deepened profoundly with the knowledge that I need not perform well to earn His adoration. I have it simply because I am His little princess. And my heart responds back with adoration for my Daddy whose love and provision go way beyond what I can imagine.

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.”
Romans 8:15, 16