There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.
When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumor, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.
When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.
We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?
~ Rudyard Kipling
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Imagining the Unseen
Last week a couple of sweet girls that live around the corner from us were over to play with Megan. They are 10 and 11 and, along with Megan, are in the process of shedding many of their childlike ways. It was twilight and I was in the den downstairs when our visitors shot out of Meg's room with astonished faces.
“Mrs. Brukiewa!”, exclaimed the oldest in a very concerned tone, “I think your daughter believes in fairies!”
“Really?!” I replied, feigning concern. At that point Meg emerged from her room behind them donning a mischievous grin and a twinkle in her eye.
“YES!” injected the youngest, “I think she really does! She wants to go outside and look for some!”
“Hmmmm. . ..”, I hummed with the same grin Meg had inherited from me.
“Wait...you don't believe in fairies?! Do you?!!!”, inquired the 11 year old in disbelief.
“I'm not telling.”
A couple befuddled moments passed before she gasped with the startle of a new possibility, “WAIT! Are they real?!”
A laugh escaped from me with my answer, “You'll have to decide that for yourself. But it might be fun to go look for one anyway.”
The sisters looked at each other and exclaimed “YEAH! Let's grab a flashlight!”
And off the three imaginations went into the twilight.
Imagination. It is a gift imparted to us from a Creator who imagined the universe in all its detail before it was. Engaging the imagination was so much more natural as children, but then something happened. As we grew into adults we experienced the pain of disappointments and disillusionment and we began to become weary of hoping for what is not tangible. Somewhere along the way, to some degree or another, we became jaded. We no longer looked for fairies. We knew better.
Last week we went through the heartbreaking process of putting our dog and faithful friend of 13 ½ years to sleep. The night before, the Lord gave our family a word from II Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:1-5 to comfort us. One verse in particular has lingered with me.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
II Corinthians 4:18
Something seems very odd about this verse. Exactly how does one “fix” one's “eyes” on what is “unseen”? Turning to the One who inspired such a statement I questioned, “Jesus? Really?! You're not making sense again!” But all I got back from Him was that same mischievous grin that, apparently, Meg and I inherited from Him.
As I thought about it more, it struck me that it must involve the imagination to be able to see what is unseen. And my thoughts turned back to the children and some things Jesus spoke about them in Matthew.
At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”
Matthew 11:25
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:2,3
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Matthew 19:14
Wow. So what do kids have that we wise and “learned” adults lack? Qualities like innocence come to mind. Dependance upon the love and nurture of their parents. Being naked and unabashed. A sense of wonder and amazement. (They don't know it all yet!) A curiosity that urges them to turn things over to see what life may be teaming underneath. A willingness to believe the unbelievable. Hopefulness. An unfettered ability to imagine what is not seen... hmmm.
Unless you become like little children . . .
If what we see is not nearly all there is, and if being able to fix our eyes on the unseen eternal depends upon us looking beyond what we know and trust as tangible, then we need to practice using different eyes. Christ said He came to recover what was lost. Maybe part of what He came to recover was our lost imaginations so we might become as little children again and have our spiritual eyes restored. Maybe.
So how about it? Dare we test it out? Dare we gather up in the butterfly net of our imagination every hint of truth and beauty, every teasing mystery, ever glimmer of love and hold onto it like a child's pudgy fist holds onto a tiny treasure? It may only appear to be a plastic bead from a broken dress up necklace, but it is really a seed from the unseen Kingdom. Plant it in your heart and it will grow until the eyes of your heart are opened wide and fixed on the Eternal. We are the Children of God. The Kingdom is real and it belongs to us now. It is here just waiting for us to seek it out. So come on! Let's grab a flashlight!
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18
“Mrs. Brukiewa!”, exclaimed the oldest in a very concerned tone, “I think your daughter believes in fairies!”
“Really?!” I replied, feigning concern. At that point Meg emerged from her room behind them donning a mischievous grin and a twinkle in her eye.
“YES!” injected the youngest, “I think she really does! She wants to go outside and look for some!”
“Hmmmm. . ..”, I hummed with the same grin Meg had inherited from me.
“Wait...you don't believe in fairies?! Do you?!!!”, inquired the 11 year old in disbelief.
“I'm not telling.”
A couple befuddled moments passed before she gasped with the startle of a new possibility, “WAIT! Are they real?!”
A laugh escaped from me with my answer, “You'll have to decide that for yourself. But it might be fun to go look for one anyway.”
The sisters looked at each other and exclaimed “YEAH! Let's grab a flashlight!”
And off the three imaginations went into the twilight.
Imagination. It is a gift imparted to us from a Creator who imagined the universe in all its detail before it was. Engaging the imagination was so much more natural as children, but then something happened. As we grew into adults we experienced the pain of disappointments and disillusionment and we began to become weary of hoping for what is not tangible. Somewhere along the way, to some degree or another, we became jaded. We no longer looked for fairies. We knew better.
Last week we went through the heartbreaking process of putting our dog and faithful friend of 13 ½ years to sleep. The night before, the Lord gave our family a word from II Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:1-5 to comfort us. One verse in particular has lingered with me.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
II Corinthians 4:18
Something seems very odd about this verse. Exactly how does one “fix” one's “eyes” on what is “unseen”? Turning to the One who inspired such a statement I questioned, “Jesus? Really?! You're not making sense again!” But all I got back from Him was that same mischievous grin that, apparently, Meg and I inherited from Him.
As I thought about it more, it struck me that it must involve the imagination to be able to see what is unseen. And my thoughts turned back to the children and some things Jesus spoke about them in Matthew.
At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”
Matthew 11:25
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Matthew 18:2,3
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
Matthew 19:14
Wow. So what do kids have that we wise and “learned” adults lack? Qualities like innocence come to mind. Dependance upon the love and nurture of their parents. Being naked and unabashed. A sense of wonder and amazement. (They don't know it all yet!) A curiosity that urges them to turn things over to see what life may be teaming underneath. A willingness to believe the unbelievable. Hopefulness. An unfettered ability to imagine what is not seen... hmmm.
Unless you become like little children . . .
If what we see is not nearly all there is, and if being able to fix our eyes on the unseen eternal depends upon us looking beyond what we know and trust as tangible, then we need to practice using different eyes. Christ said He came to recover what was lost. Maybe part of what He came to recover was our lost imaginations so we might become as little children again and have our spiritual eyes restored. Maybe.
So how about it? Dare we test it out? Dare we gather up in the butterfly net of our imagination every hint of truth and beauty, every teasing mystery, ever glimmer of love and hold onto it like a child's pudgy fist holds onto a tiny treasure? It may only appear to be a plastic bead from a broken dress up necklace, but it is really a seed from the unseen Kingdom. Plant it in your heart and it will grow until the eyes of your heart are opened wide and fixed on the Eternal. We are the Children of God. The Kingdom is real and it belongs to us now. It is here just waiting for us to seek it out. So come on! Let's grab a flashlight!
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Discerning His Voice
For years, though I was unaware I was doing it, I restricted God. I did not expect to hear him unless the conditions were just right. I had an unconscious list of how He spoke. A Christian song, a Church messages, the Bible, etc. Something has changed over the years and right now I'm in a season on my walk with Jesus that is particularly vibrant. I see Him, hear Him and feel Him...everywhere. Many times throughout the day and night he has been speaking, as if He really is as He said He was, near to me...every moment.
It has been my desire to practice praying continually over the last two years. By prayer I mean being aware of the presence of God throughout my day and night. Instead of being just inside my own head or caught up in the busyness around me, I include Him in my thoughts, but also open myself to what He may want to say to me or how He might have me pray and for whom. When I speak to Him, I allow space, silence; I wait for a response from Him. I also have set times where I say nothing and just sit in His presence. That time is often simply intimate silence. What a joy to be so comfortable with each other that we can be in naked silence, face to face, just being as we are together in a loving embrace. In this way I can savor His beauty, His holiness and the acceptance and belonging that my heart so desperately craves. This I carry with me throughout my day.
Now I am not all of a sudden able to do this praying continually thing perfectly, every day every minute, but as I have followed his bidding and made it an intention that I return to, I have experienced a much deeper intimacy with Him and have had some wonderful conversations.
It has been a journey of growing in discernment. I am learning to discern which thoughts and feelings are coming from my own broken, stinted places, or from ingrained beliefs or my old nature, and what truly is a fresh word of the Spirit to my heart. I have come to accept that it is a skill, a practice, which is something I have railed a bit against because it sounds like “works” to my grace oriented heart. But, really, it is an invitation to grow in relationship with Emanuel, God with us, not a work or a requirement, but a joy and the deepest longing of my heart. If my Life and Breath is speaking to me, I WANT to learn to hear Him clearly, and He invites me to enter that process, daily.
There are real obstacles to hearing His voice well that I have been made aware of. First I recognized the obstacle of lack of faith. God can be talking a blue streak, but if I don't really believe in my heart that He is speaking or will answer me, then I will not be listening for Him. Similarly, I have been made aware of my selective hearing. We all do it, or have kids who do it to us. We only listen for certain words. There have been things I have expected to hear from God that deafen me to his actual word to me. Again, it's a process of discernment and purposefully opening up to Him to remove such hindrances. It has been painful at times for sure, but how that pain pales in the sweetness of deepened fellowship with My Lord!
On that note, (the pain note) fear can also be a hindrance. I have feared He will be harsh with me; feared I will get the earful I deserve. But, the wonderful truth of being a beloved, redeemed, child of the Father, made righteous by Christ is that He motivates us with love and grace. When I have found myself cowering, waiting for Him to respond harshly to me like I deserve, He instead whispers love, grace and acceptance. He tells me how beautiful I am to Him. He is so much gentler with my heart than I am, and I soften in his embrace, time and time again. But if I expect to hear the shout of condemnation, I may miss hearing His whispers of grace. The sin He reveals in me He points out with tenderness even though it may sting. He rubs the place with a healing salve and stimulates healing with the warmth of his touch.
Discerning His voice also requires getting to know God and myself well enough to begin to tell the difference between my voice and His. I became aware of an ingrained belief of mine that says that to focus on myself at all, my desires, my hurts, my worries, my[gulp]beauty and worth, is not godly. It is selfishness. Having “time with God” to get to know Him is accepted as important. But the comments and teachings I have heard about the dangers of “navel study” taught me to “look outside of myself” and “serve others” to get my mind off of me. I don't think this is what Paul meant by “Less of me, more of You”. This belief has been so harmful because it has often caused me to be ashamed of myself and to hide parts of myself from Jesus and others. This results in separation and breeds the real isolation and selfish protectiveness we feared “navel study” would result in. This is an epidemic in the Church. We must be naked and honest before our God that He might hold us and heal every part of us. He longs for our heart, all of our heart. He wants us to know who we are in Him that we may be free to love others and be honest and naked before them. This is the fellowship of the saints. (1John 1:7) Only in our nakedness does the light of Jesus shine forth from us. Because we are new creations and made to reflect him, nakedness is a good thing! God had to heal me of the guilt I felt to even take the time for myself to nurture my soul. If Jesus needed to know who He was,(and He was so confident in who He was) then I need to know this too! If Jesus took time to nurture His soul and be reminded by the Father who He was, then certainly it is a legitimate need of mine! If God thinks I'm worth knowing, then I am.
This morning I was talking with God in the bathroom, lamenting because I long to share some of the ways He has spoken to me with others and yet there is rarely an opportunity where it feels natural to talk about what God spoke in this last week. And sometimes when I do it has felt like I am just bragging or drawing attention to myself. “Look how great my relationship with God is! See how holy I am!” His response was, “Jenny, (he calls me Jenny) it's about Me, not about you. I want them to know about how I have been with you. Tell them about Me in your life.”
So I have decided to blog about some of the ways He speaks. (Not everything, of course, there is far too much and some things are too intimate and are meant to only be between lovers.) This way I am laying out a kind of buffet that one might peruse and pick what is nourishing to their soul rather than flinging food at whomever I happen to be with! So my prayer is that you will find something here that feeds you and stirs your appetite for Him.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
It has been my desire to practice praying continually over the last two years. By prayer I mean being aware of the presence of God throughout my day and night. Instead of being just inside my own head or caught up in the busyness around me, I include Him in my thoughts, but also open myself to what He may want to say to me or how He might have me pray and for whom. When I speak to Him, I allow space, silence; I wait for a response from Him. I also have set times where I say nothing and just sit in His presence. That time is often simply intimate silence. What a joy to be so comfortable with each other that we can be in naked silence, face to face, just being as we are together in a loving embrace. In this way I can savor His beauty, His holiness and the acceptance and belonging that my heart so desperately craves. This I carry with me throughout my day.
Now I am not all of a sudden able to do this praying continually thing perfectly, every day every minute, but as I have followed his bidding and made it an intention that I return to, I have experienced a much deeper intimacy with Him and have had some wonderful conversations.
It has been a journey of growing in discernment. I am learning to discern which thoughts and feelings are coming from my own broken, stinted places, or from ingrained beliefs or my old nature, and what truly is a fresh word of the Spirit to my heart. I have come to accept that it is a skill, a practice, which is something I have railed a bit against because it sounds like “works” to my grace oriented heart. But, really, it is an invitation to grow in relationship with Emanuel, God with us, not a work or a requirement, but a joy and the deepest longing of my heart. If my Life and Breath is speaking to me, I WANT to learn to hear Him clearly, and He invites me to enter that process, daily.
There are real obstacles to hearing His voice well that I have been made aware of. First I recognized the obstacle of lack of faith. God can be talking a blue streak, but if I don't really believe in my heart that He is speaking or will answer me, then I will not be listening for Him. Similarly, I have been made aware of my selective hearing. We all do it, or have kids who do it to us. We only listen for certain words. There have been things I have expected to hear from God that deafen me to his actual word to me. Again, it's a process of discernment and purposefully opening up to Him to remove such hindrances. It has been painful at times for sure, but how that pain pales in the sweetness of deepened fellowship with My Lord!
On that note, (the pain note) fear can also be a hindrance. I have feared He will be harsh with me; feared I will get the earful I deserve. But, the wonderful truth of being a beloved, redeemed, child of the Father, made righteous by Christ is that He motivates us with love and grace. When I have found myself cowering, waiting for Him to respond harshly to me like I deserve, He instead whispers love, grace and acceptance. He tells me how beautiful I am to Him. He is so much gentler with my heart than I am, and I soften in his embrace, time and time again. But if I expect to hear the shout of condemnation, I may miss hearing His whispers of grace. The sin He reveals in me He points out with tenderness even though it may sting. He rubs the place with a healing salve and stimulates healing with the warmth of his touch.
Discerning His voice also requires getting to know God and myself well enough to begin to tell the difference between my voice and His. I became aware of an ingrained belief of mine that says that to focus on myself at all, my desires, my hurts, my worries, my[gulp]beauty and worth, is not godly. It is selfishness. Having “time with God” to get to know Him is accepted as important. But the comments and teachings I have heard about the dangers of “navel study” taught me to “look outside of myself” and “serve others” to get my mind off of me. I don't think this is what Paul meant by “Less of me, more of You”. This belief has been so harmful because it has often caused me to be ashamed of myself and to hide parts of myself from Jesus and others. This results in separation and breeds the real isolation and selfish protectiveness we feared “navel study” would result in. This is an epidemic in the Church. We must be naked and honest before our God that He might hold us and heal every part of us. He longs for our heart, all of our heart. He wants us to know who we are in Him that we may be free to love others and be honest and naked before them. This is the fellowship of the saints. (1John 1:7) Only in our nakedness does the light of Jesus shine forth from us. Because we are new creations and made to reflect him, nakedness is a good thing! God had to heal me of the guilt I felt to even take the time for myself to nurture my soul. If Jesus needed to know who He was,(and He was so confident in who He was) then I need to know this too! If Jesus took time to nurture His soul and be reminded by the Father who He was, then certainly it is a legitimate need of mine! If God thinks I'm worth knowing, then I am.
This morning I was talking with God in the bathroom, lamenting because I long to share some of the ways He has spoken to me with others and yet there is rarely an opportunity where it feels natural to talk about what God spoke in this last week. And sometimes when I do it has felt like I am just bragging or drawing attention to myself. “Look how great my relationship with God is! See how holy I am!” His response was, “Jenny, (he calls me Jenny) it's about Me, not about you. I want them to know about how I have been with you. Tell them about Me in your life.”
So I have decided to blog about some of the ways He speaks. (Not everything, of course, there is far too much and some things are too intimate and are meant to only be between lovers.) This way I am laying out a kind of buffet that one might peruse and pick what is nourishing to their soul rather than flinging food at whomever I happen to be with! So my prayer is that you will find something here that feeds you and stirs your appetite for Him.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Why Jennifer Knapp Makes Me Weep
Jennifer Knapp. Her heart in song and poetry has touched deep places within and ushered me into intimate, naked worship with my Savior many, many times. I have felt a connection with her somehow and understood her language. She has always been on my heart. I have prayed for her often and love her wishing I could hear more of her heart and be a friend. For some reason long before anyone knew about it, maybe even before Jen herself knew, God revealed to me that she struggled with her sexual identity. Though the Christian community was rocked and disillusioned when she came out a few months ago, God was not at all rattled. He has always known the heart of His beloved Jen.
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. She still walks with God. Her relationship with Him is living and breathing, and she knows her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. She still walks with God. Her relationship with Him is living and breathing, and she knows her own heart pretty well too.
Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.
Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.
Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.
We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.
One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.
If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Exposed
(A journal entry from January 2010)
It had been an emotional couple of weeks. God had stirred my heart to intercede for Haiti and the families here who have lost their loved ones. My heart was invested waking at all ours of the night to plead for the lives of those trapped in the rubble. My heart felt connected to the Spirit's grieving; the tears flowed freely, the questions passionately arose and my faith waned and strengthened as I found solace in the God who knows what it is to suffer and is Sovereign in all things. I was on a spiritual high when I went in to worship on Sunday, still conflicted in my spirit, but ready to worship God.
I was encouraged as the songs that were sung were relevant to the events of the past weeks. My heart bowed to honor the Almighty Creator who cannot be understood, but can be trusted. My worship paused at one song of repentance. It was about the third song in and it felt out of place to me. I found I was slightly irritated because it sang of asking forgiveness for the deep sin of not walking with God for the last week and failing to live in Him and for Him. I said in my heart, “Well, I have been in prayer constantly! If any time I have walked with God obediently, it's been in these last few weeks!” I did not sing those words but did my own semi repentance at the level I felt to be more appropriate. Really, I had no sense of my sin to repent of.
My pastor preached on an appropriate topic for the times speaking on trust in who Jesus is when your life doesn't seem to make sense. At one point he said “So what do you do when you feel like you are in Haiti?” To which I quickly responded just loud enough for the rest of the regular sitters in the balcony to hear, “NO one in America knows ANYTHING about the kind of suffering the people in Haiti know!” As soon as the bitter statement blurted out, I felt the pang of my sin. I felt like Peter when he heard the cock crow. What an insensitive, self-righteous statement! Who knows what real pain the people around me have experienced in their life that I just belittled with my words? Sheesh! And I want to be a Spiritual Director? Then my thoughts went to, “Now they all think I''m a self-righteous, bitter woman with no self control! Can I say or do anything to let them know that I am aware of how insensitive that was and that I am really a very godly, sensitive women?”
Then the gentle, strong voice of my Father turned my face toward His. “Jenny, (He always calls me Jenny :))why do you feel the need to convince them of your innocence? Any recovery effort that would come from you right now would only be serving your reputation and compound the sin that was just revealed. It is none of your concern if they see your sin. You are a sinner. This should come as no surprise to you or them. Now, go back to that place of repentance and received my Son's Righteousness. You know yours is not sufficient. Lay it down.”
The sin of self righteousness creeps in so subtly. But oh how sweet the grace of God! Oh how warming His robe of righteousness that He tenderly wraps around me, softening my heart and melting it into His.
It had been an emotional couple of weeks. God had stirred my heart to intercede for Haiti and the families here who have lost their loved ones. My heart was invested waking at all ours of the night to plead for the lives of those trapped in the rubble. My heart felt connected to the Spirit's grieving; the tears flowed freely, the questions passionately arose and my faith waned and strengthened as I found solace in the God who knows what it is to suffer and is Sovereign in all things. I was on a spiritual high when I went in to worship on Sunday, still conflicted in my spirit, but ready to worship God.
I was encouraged as the songs that were sung were relevant to the events of the past weeks. My heart bowed to honor the Almighty Creator who cannot be understood, but can be trusted. My worship paused at one song of repentance. It was about the third song in and it felt out of place to me. I found I was slightly irritated because it sang of asking forgiveness for the deep sin of not walking with God for the last week and failing to live in Him and for Him. I said in my heart, “Well, I have been in prayer constantly! If any time I have walked with God obediently, it's been in these last few weeks!” I did not sing those words but did my own semi repentance at the level I felt to be more appropriate. Really, I had no sense of my sin to repent of.
My pastor preached on an appropriate topic for the times speaking on trust in who Jesus is when your life doesn't seem to make sense. At one point he said “So what do you do when you feel like you are in Haiti?” To which I quickly responded just loud enough for the rest of the regular sitters in the balcony to hear, “NO one in America knows ANYTHING about the kind of suffering the people in Haiti know!” As soon as the bitter statement blurted out, I felt the pang of my sin. I felt like Peter when he heard the cock crow. What an insensitive, self-righteous statement! Who knows what real pain the people around me have experienced in their life that I just belittled with my words? Sheesh! And I want to be a Spiritual Director? Then my thoughts went to, “Now they all think I''m a self-righteous, bitter woman with no self control! Can I say or do anything to let them know that I am aware of how insensitive that was and that I am really a very godly, sensitive women?”
Then the gentle, strong voice of my Father turned my face toward His. “Jenny, (He always calls me Jenny :))why do you feel the need to convince them of your innocence? Any recovery effort that would come from you right now would only be serving your reputation and compound the sin that was just revealed. It is none of your concern if they see your sin. You are a sinner. This should come as no surprise to you or them. Now, go back to that place of repentance and received my Son's Righteousness. You know yours is not sufficient. Lay it down.”
The sin of self righteousness creeps in so subtly. But oh how sweet the grace of God! Oh how warming His robe of righteousness that He tenderly wraps around me, softening my heart and melting it into His.
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