Why Jennifer Knapp Makes Me Weep

Jennifer Knapp. Her heart in song and poetry has touched deep places within and ushered me into intimate, naked worship with my Savior many, many times. I have felt a connection with her somehow and understood her language. She has always been on my heart. I have prayed for her often and love her wishing I could hear more of her heart and be a friend. For some reason long before anyone knew about it, maybe even before Jen herself knew, God revealed to me that she struggled with her sexual identity. Though the Christian community was rocked and disillusioned when she came out a few months ago, God was not at all rattled. He has always known the heart of His beloved Jen.

Last night I felt drawn to really give her heart a hearing. I read/watched all the interviews, listened to her new songs. Bless her, she has never stopped seeking wholeness, never stopped seeking the One who is Love. She still walks with God. Her relationship with Him is living and breathing, and she knows her own heart pretty well too.

Her story grieves me deeply, not so much because of her choice (I fully trust the Father with her heart) but because of most of the Christian community's response to her. It reveals some deep sins in the church that we continually explain away or are blind to. Things blatantly and passionately taught against in scripture that, quite honestly, should make us fall on our knees weeping in repentance and fasting.

Right now Jen honestly believes that the scriptures could be interpreted differently to allow room for sexual intimacy with the same gender. It makes me weep that she never found a safe place within most churches to wrestle with real questions and deep issues. She was a baby Christian when she was propelled into the spotlight of Christian expectations. She was all of a sudden expected to be an example of Christian perfection. What of the her wounds that needed healing and her questions? She continually had to hide that part of her heart. She is not the only one. There are so many disheartened that feel so alone in the journey. This is not OK, friends.

Some brokenness and questions are socially acceptable in the American church culture, but many deep honest souls have no listening ears in the church today. Honestly, these people scare the CRAP out of us who feel like we are barely keeping it together! WHY? These are the very people Jesus loved to be around! We cannot shrug this off anymore, (really, dare we?!) because these are the sins, the self righteous sins of the religious community, that Jesus was the most harsh with. I've heard this said a lot. We know this. And yet we ostracize our brothers and sisters who struggle with unacceptable sins when we ourselves struggle (maybe we don't even struggle anymore) with different sins just as grievous but more acceptable in our circles.

We admit we are uncomfortable when we are around those people. We can minister to certain people with certain struggles, but if we get into certain ugly sins/struggles, we send them to "professional" counselors, at best or beat them into the ground with the right answers to fix them up quickly or get rid of them all together. “Just obey and you will be blessed” that's the gentle rebuke, “You are going to hell if you don't change” a bit more harsh! We heap scriptures on them telling them what they need to do to be fixed. None of this is at all helpful. None of it is Life giving. These are not the responses of those who see the deep wounds or beautiful nakedness of the one questioning. These responses don't have any hint of Jesus in them. Only a relationship with the LIVING GOD can touch those places. (And yes, the written word of God is living and active, but it is not and was never meant to replace a relationship with the living and active Word, Jesus Himself!) And he may not seem to answer, He may not bring quick healing. What then? Do we assume God has left them? Do we not share our lives and hearts and walk with Jesus with them? Do we not look, wait and listen for Jesus in them trusting He is at work? Do we not have, THE COUNSELOR within us? WHO IS THIS ENIMIC JESUS WE KNOW THAT CANNOT LOVE THE JENNIFER KNAPPS? “Oh, but we do love her” we say. Sure... from a very far and safe distance we love her. REALLY? So now she has found a community of believers who accept her and justify what they most deeply wrestle with, just like most other Christians do. If this were not true, we would not have denominations and would not church shop. We would just meet with the believers around us and gather where we live.

One of the most grieving sin issues in our church today is that we are not open and real with each other. People! We ALL have deep brokenness!!! The only differences between us is that some are more aware of it than others. Some give up on healing because they have prayed for years and they haven't seen it. Some are simply not willing to look honestly at their brokenness. Hey, it is scary to be vulnerable! (Again, what courage it took for Jen to put herself out there.) We want wholeness now! So American. Beautiful children of God, it takes time in openness before our God AND EACH OTHER to come to deeper wholeness, to become more like Christ. And it is not a process that happens by simple obedience and strong will. That will only modify our behaviors, and that only as much as we have power within ourselves to do. True healing takes a supernatural power and a radical love and grace. Such power and grace is only found in a living, breathing relationship with Jesus. And, really, He gives Himself out much more liberally than we think. He shows up in the lives of people everywhere whether they acknowledge it is Him or not. We need to pull our heads out of wherever they are crammed into and ask Jesus for His eyes to see Him wherever, whenever and however and in whomever He shows up. Hint: He doesn't confine Himself to the local church.

If Jesus has left Jennifer Knapp, if He has pulled the Holy Spirit from her heart, then woe to the churches. If He has left her, then we, my dear brothers and sisters, are in BIG trouble!